A smorsboard of feelings; Please feel free to fill your plate.

I began writing on this blog for a variety of reasons.  I knew many people loved my boys from afar and didn't get to see them often/ever.  I knew I would never, ever compile another scrapbook as long as I lived.  I knew there would be so many enjoyable moments that I would forget if not duly noted.  Along the way I have also realized that writing has helped me refine my thoughts and emotions, which was a welcome discovery. 

So there you go, blogging is cheaper than therapy.  And with that we jump back into the dicey ground of infertility.  If that's not your cup of tea (and really, other than a RE, whose is it?), feel free to peruse elsewhere this evening. 

I also want to talk about where we are with foster care.  I'm having a hard time getting my head (or maybe heart?) into the game with foster care.  We are about done with our training and paperwork with only the big stuff left: home study, fire inspection, and health inspection.  I keep thinking that the closer we get to our license I will have a better handle on my feelings, but I think the opposite is proving true so far.  It's safe to say they are a mixed bag. 

I'm not really proud of my feelings, but I'm going to share them honestly anyway.  I have the definite feeling of this being second best, which I absolutely hate, but can't seem to shake.  This is a brand new feeling for me, as I never had similar feelings with our first adoptions, which we wanted as our very first choice.  I also think that we would have pursued caring for kids in the foster system at one point or another during our lives, so it's hard for me to understand why it has been so difficult to move foster care up in the lineup.  We strongly believe in orphan care and the various forms that can take.  We would be delighted to have more kids.  Foster care/foster-to-adopt seems to be such an obvious choice for our family, but I just keep expecting to experience the joy, excitement, wonder and impatience as we did with our boys.  Those feelings have not yet been forth coming. 

So does this all boil down to how a person handles grief?  Do you continue along the path knowing you will heal and rejoice at the new lives that God brings into your home, or do you hunker down and ride out the emotional storm (Jon calls mine a tsunami) before continuing in the next step?